terribly depressing movie...because it relates to how I feel right now.
I also just need some self discovery, as I'm sure a lot of people can do too. As I sip Merlot, and watch the graceful sunset, I feel so sad and ready to be done with my depression. I'm eager to get to the next plateau, the sadness and fear of not knowing how long that will last. Or, will it be all, finally a life of being solitary? As far as romantic connections anyway.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
I've thought about blogging, does that count?
So, I've been busy doing who knows what and in this time some moments that are blog worthy happened and yet I didn't make it her to post it. Well, here it is finally.
Some of the events have come full circle, others have gotten better while others quite worse.
Let me tell you about my trip to Seattle back in November.
The day was November 2nd 2009, voting day. My husband and I both got up, packed out suitcases into the car and headed off. First we voted and then took I-90 West to Seattle. On the way there, it was a stressful trip. My husband was speeding and got a ticket. So much for dining out on my Birthday. From then on out there was even more stress. The roads in Seattle are maze like and poorly signed. Downtown Miami is a dream compared to Seattle, come to think of it so is Dallas, L.A. and even Atlanta. The D.O.T. of Seattle must have been on some sort of psychotropic drug to come up with all that madness. At any rate, when we finally got to our hotel I was delighted to be able to see the Space Needle from our hotel room. The manager had put us in a honeymoon suite at a discounted rate.
The next morning it was back out into the maze and dealing with our G.P.S. who kept saying "continue 300 feet then turn left" so we did and she would then say "recalibrating" then she would come back to say "make a u-turn if possible" "then turn left" LOL no matter what it was always telling us to turn left and continue then turn left. I finally realized that it was/is those insane streets in Seattle.
Finally we made it, the parking is underground across the street and there is a tunnel to the hospital. I still hadn't checked in and the University of Washington's hospital floor plan was just as confusing. After wandering and asking several people for directions, I made it to the Neurology Department. I wasn't late either, in fact, I was just on time.
I was happy to meet Dr.Kraft, I did several tests and he revealed to me that his suspicion is that I've had MS symptoms perhaps going as far back as high school. That explains a lot. He also gave me a revelation that I don't need my cane for support but, mostly for balance and confidence. For some reason my brain freaks out without it. I don't use it at home or in familiar places. Crazy. After a few tests with me walking and testing my vision and so forth. It was then asked of us to stay one more night to do more tests, so we did.
The next morning, I went in to have this weirs test with electrodes hooked up on parts of my arms and legs. I had to lay calm and my nerves were zapped with low voltage electrical shocks. It felt sort of like a strong tiny shower sprayer. on my arm it made my thumb twitch, and on my legs it made my big toe twitch. This was the desired result.
I didn't have my next part until that evening. So, back out into the maze and we found this great burger joint, Dick's. There was a news team there interviewing people about the polls and if they voted or not. He was going to ask me but before the camera turned on, I told him "I'm from Idaho and YES I voted" I wasn't in the mood for limelight after the electro session, not to mention the weird goop that was still in my hair even after a week of washing.
We drove around and caught glimpses of Puget Sound most of it was filled with homes or warehouses and docks. We went around to some thrift stores at some point and found the scary part of Seattle. Then, it was back through the maze with a mission to get to the hospital in time for my MRI.
It began at 7pm and I didn't finish until after midnight. I fell asleep listening to Cevin Key. The beauty of MR imaging these days is you can have them cue up music for you to enjoy during you session. The technician asked me what would I like to listen to that he can cue it up from the internet. I asked for Cevin Key, just anything Cevin Key. They had me get up reposition then they slid me back in for more then again this time feet first they took some scans and one more time head first. One of the times they stopped, they had to inject me with dye referred to as contrast. I was so tired when the pulled me out I was asleep. This other tech who I hadn't met came to wake me up and it scared me. I gasped and nearly fell of the table trying to get away from him. I didn't know where I was at first, as it all slowly came back to me, I relaxed a little. This last round began then it was back to sleep for me, dreaming industrial dreams of tranquility.
In the end, we made it back to the hotel and I slept more in the car and also in the hotel room. I was exhausted from all the testing and the maze of streets and was eager to get back to normality
Leaving Seattle was just as confusing trying to listen to the G.P.S. so we turned it off and made it on our own.
The next time we go there, I will make arrangements for my husband to rock climb at R.E.I. apparently you can't just walk in, they have to schedule an instructor and you have to sign their insurance forms etc... I might as well do it too with all the fuss, it might be worth it even if I only make it up 10'.
Fast forward through the holidays of Thanksgiving, Christmas and new years, through valentines and my dad's birthday now today...I learned from my Neurologist that Dr.Kraft doesn't think I qualify for the stem cell transplant. So all of that testing and stress, missing my birthday and worrying about the bills from the whole trip and my husband missing out on work for this time was just a big waste of resources.
so, there you have it. My trip to Seattle.
sorry about that sideways picture, I will fix it later.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
My group on FaceBook (FB) and lunch with Nance
Well, I spend a lot of time on FB, specifically on FarmVille (FV). I started doing what's termed
Horse Breeding. It's fun and it's a way for me to get to know people on a more personal/community level. I had the idea to start a group of 'Horse Breeders' and people who like to collect the foals
that we breed.I shared this idea with a fellow horse breeder and she was anxious to learn more. I showed her where the "make a group" link is and she loved it.
I made my group and began to add my friends/FV neighbors. One hour later, I noticed I was added to her group and had a lot of the same people. That was confusing for people, they don't want to toggle back and forth between two similar groups.
I notified people how I was planning on deleting my group. Graciously bowing out so to speak. This was frowned on by people, they didn't mind and it was pointed out to me that while similar groups, there are differences. Foal posting happen in that group while mine is more of a group conversation, some ideas shared and also doing Co-Op farming. This allows us extra points in the game as well as a prize if we finish in a certain amount of time.
One of the girls in my group suggested a specific Co-Op because of the limited and valued prize. (The Grape Sheep) She even suggested the start day/time. I was on board with the idea. When it came time, I allowed her to start it. This is where my plan backfires, most of the people are not her neighbor; Therefore, they can't see the Co-Op.
Sadly, bowing out graciously twice backfired. So, lesson learned. I hope. I will be aggressive for what is rightfully allotted to me. I have just intended for people to move up in the game and know that I helped them. That is what I strive for. Why did it fail? Why did I fail? We may not even win the Co-Op because of it. :( I'll let you know.
That's where I'm at...I liked being a manager and I'm good at it. I didn't realize that so many people out there enjoy being told what to do. I handle it well and I handle it compassionately. This is the way I handle life.
I went to lunch with my friend Nancy (Nance) today, it was great. At one point during our conversation, she asked me a question that actually put a new thought in my mind. She asked me, "Do you think because of your positive demeanor and tone that people are intimidated by you?"
WOW at first I kept saying and denying "Oh, No how is this intimidating?" Then I thought, hmm. Maybe. This could explain a lot of my difficulties with managers, coworkers, nursing staff and the list goes on I'm sure.
It is so odd to see yourself through another's eyes so accurately. Even if that's not true, I can understand how people might be thinking...they themselves are not doing so well that they are not happy. I must be doing something so profoundly above them with better understanding and purpose.
It's that idea of what others see in me at first impression. I will talk and share with anyone who asks, my life is not all kitty-kats and unicorns. I am just an original true epiphany realizing intellectual. I see the world not as it is but, the nature of things and people. I am intimidated by unnatural things and I steer clear of those things. Why do I want those sort of concepts dragging me down. I have found at times it is easier to just fall into depression and play the blame game. Muscle up, accept your faults and once you do that, they tend to dissolve.
It takes some deep soul searching, change of habits and don't lie to yourself.
I'm done for today, I have a farm to keep up on.
Thank you for reading.
Horse Breeding. It's fun and it's a way for me to get to know people on a more personal/community level. I had the idea to start a group of 'Horse Breeders' and people who like to collect the foals
that we breed.I shared this idea with a fellow horse breeder and she was anxious to learn more. I showed her where the "make a group" link is and she loved it.
I made my group and began to add my friends/FV neighbors. One hour later, I noticed I was added to her group and had a lot of the same people. That was confusing for people, they don't want to toggle back and forth between two similar groups.
I notified people how I was planning on deleting my group. Graciously bowing out so to speak. This was frowned on by people, they didn't mind and it was pointed out to me that while similar groups, there are differences. Foal posting happen in that group while mine is more of a group conversation, some ideas shared and also doing Co-Op farming. This allows us extra points in the game as well as a prize if we finish in a certain amount of time.
One of the girls in my group suggested a specific Co-Op because of the limited and valued prize. (The Grape Sheep) She even suggested the start day/time. I was on board with the idea. When it came time, I allowed her to start it. This is where my plan backfires, most of the people are not her neighbor; Therefore, they can't see the Co-Op.
Sadly, bowing out graciously twice backfired. So, lesson learned. I hope. I will be aggressive for what is rightfully allotted to me. I have just intended for people to move up in the game and know that I helped them. That is what I strive for. Why did it fail? Why did I fail? We may not even win the Co-Op because of it. :( I'll let you know.
That's where I'm at...I liked being a manager and I'm good at it. I didn't realize that so many people out there enjoy being told what to do. I handle it well and I handle it compassionately. This is the way I handle life.
I went to lunch with my friend Nancy (Nance) today, it was great. At one point during our conversation, she asked me a question that actually put a new thought in my mind. She asked me, "Do you think because of your positive demeanor and tone that people are intimidated by you?"
WOW at first I kept saying and denying "Oh, No how is this intimidating?" Then I thought, hmm. Maybe. This could explain a lot of my difficulties with managers, coworkers, nursing staff and the list goes on I'm sure.
It is so odd to see yourself through another's eyes so accurately. Even if that's not true, I can understand how people might be thinking...they themselves are not doing so well that they are not happy. I must be doing something so profoundly above them with better understanding and purpose.
It's that idea of what others see in me at first impression. I will talk and share with anyone who asks, my life is not all kitty-kats and unicorns. I am just an original true epiphany realizing intellectual. I see the world not as it is but, the nature of things and people. I am intimidated by unnatural things and I steer clear of those things. Why do I want those sort of concepts dragging me down. I have found at times it is easier to just fall into depression and play the blame game. Muscle up, accept your faults and once you do that, they tend to dissolve.
It takes some deep soul searching, change of habits and don't lie to yourself.
I'm done for today, I have a farm to keep up on.
Thank you for reading.
Monday, January 10, 2011
And the beat goes on....
Hello out there in cyberland how is the new year treating you thus far?
Me? well I do what I do which is pretty much nothing. I lay in bed and tell myself "I'm not here." I don't know why I do this, and yes I literally say that to myself.Maybe in some weird way, I'm hoping that life is but a dream and I'll wake up. Or maybe in some weird way, I'm dead and reviewing my life which could explain why I feel that I'm not in control. The sad truth is, I am here and this is happening or has happened. What do I do? I roll over and go back to sleep. I don't really get up unless I have to, things like paying bills and such. I haven't really been eating too much this past week because I've had this dreadful cold. It started just before my last infusion (on Dec 22nd) and I dared not to tell the nurse. After having two infusions stopped for stupid reasons, I decided to lie and say it was allergies and the reason my temp was so high (100) was because of the sweater I was wearing and the fact that I'd just walked briskly from the front of the hospital all the way back to the short stay unit (this was true and usually I would have used a wheelchair escort)
So, I got the infusion and all was good. The nurse had to try several times at getting the right vein for the infusion, then the next day I'd noticed this huge black bruise. The bruise was about 3 1/2" X 1 1/4". Whatevs. The cold was in full swing by the time I'd noticed this bruise, dealing with where the Theraflu was seemed more important to me anyway. The bruise is barely noticeable now but the cold just lingers.
So, in other news, around this time (Dec 22nd) my grandmother was admitted into the hospital with pneumonia, I think. A few days later she swore off smoking finally, she smoked all her life. So at 85 I am impressed. I'd spoken with her briefly, it ended quickly because my uncle had just made her dinner. Little did I know this was our last interaction. On New Years Eve, I got a call from my dad early in the morning. "Granny B. has passed"
The news was more monumental to me because it meant that was closure for her but now my mom, her daughter, are going to be buried together. Grandma cradling the ashes of my mom. So sad, so depressing and sort of closure for me. I am lucky to have spoken with my Aunt Joannie before the funeral and my cousin Caroline after. It seems to me that they are taking it as well as can be expected. I am hoping to get over to the cemetery in the near future. It's also my mom's grave. I did see her ashes in Texas but now, this is her resting place.
I imagine when I die, my body will be cremated too. As for my ashes?? Maybe in Garden Grove, It's so petty there. Maybe back to Ewa Beach, where this all started. Or I could go to Homer, with my father's side. You ask, does it really matter? well maybe not but wouldn't that be a kicker if it does and you're back from the dead and no friends or family around. Let's get an ambient music lovers group plot, I bet we could enjoy beautiful music together.
.....moving on with life, as it does whether I want it to or not and in this case not, I am focused on the new year. I am wishing for everyone who has a new year's resolution, be realistic and to make it a change for the better. Mine is, no resolution as per usual. I have no idea what this year holds for me and I am not about to make promises I don't know I can keep.
I'd like to say workout more but I don't know what my body can handle. I'd like to say be more active socially but again, sometimes my health does not permit. And the beat goes on.....
thank you for reading
Me? well I do what I do which is pretty much nothing. I lay in bed and tell myself "I'm not here." I don't know why I do this, and yes I literally say that to myself.Maybe in some weird way, I'm hoping that life is but a dream and I'll wake up. Or maybe in some weird way, I'm dead and reviewing my life which could explain why I feel that I'm not in control. The sad truth is, I am here and this is happening or has happened. What do I do? I roll over and go back to sleep. I don't really get up unless I have to, things like paying bills and such. I haven't really been eating too much this past week because I've had this dreadful cold. It started just before my last infusion (on Dec 22nd) and I dared not to tell the nurse. After having two infusions stopped for stupid reasons, I decided to lie and say it was allergies and the reason my temp was so high (100) was because of the sweater I was wearing and the fact that I'd just walked briskly from the front of the hospital all the way back to the short stay unit (this was true and usually I would have used a wheelchair escort)
So, I got the infusion and all was good. The nurse had to try several times at getting the right vein for the infusion, then the next day I'd noticed this huge black bruise. The bruise was about 3 1/2" X 1 1/4". Whatevs. The cold was in full swing by the time I'd noticed this bruise, dealing with where the Theraflu was seemed more important to me anyway. The bruise is barely noticeable now but the cold just lingers.
So, in other news, around this time (Dec 22nd) my grandmother was admitted into the hospital with pneumonia, I think. A few days later she swore off smoking finally, she smoked all her life. So at 85 I am impressed. I'd spoken with her briefly, it ended quickly because my uncle had just made her dinner. Little did I know this was our last interaction. On New Years Eve, I got a call from my dad early in the morning. "Granny B. has passed"
The news was more monumental to me because it meant that was closure for her but now my mom, her daughter, are going to be buried together. Grandma cradling the ashes of my mom. So sad, so depressing and sort of closure for me. I am lucky to have spoken with my Aunt Joannie before the funeral and my cousin Caroline after. It seems to me that they are taking it as well as can be expected. I am hoping to get over to the cemetery in the near future. It's also my mom's grave. I did see her ashes in Texas but now, this is her resting place.
I imagine when I die, my body will be cremated too. As for my ashes?? Maybe in Garden Grove, It's so petty there. Maybe back to Ewa Beach, where this all started. Or I could go to Homer, with my father's side. You ask, does it really matter? well maybe not but wouldn't that be a kicker if it does and you're back from the dead and no friends or family around. Let's get an ambient music lovers group plot, I bet we could enjoy beautiful music together.
.....moving on with life, as it does whether I want it to or not and in this case not, I am focused on the new year. I am wishing for everyone who has a new year's resolution, be realistic and to make it a change for the better. Mine is, no resolution as per usual. I have no idea what this year holds for me and I am not about to make promises I don't know I can keep.
I'd like to say workout more but I don't know what my body can handle. I'd like to say be more active socially but again, sometimes my health does not permit. And the beat goes on.....
thank you for reading
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