And the beat goes on....

Hello out there in cyberland how is the new year treating you thus far?
Me? well I do what I do which is pretty much nothing. I lay in bed and tell myself "I'm not here." I don't know why I do this, and yes I literally say that to myself.Maybe in some weird way, I'm hoping that life is but a dream and I'll wake up. Or maybe in some weird way, I'm dead and reviewing my life which could explain why I feel that I'm not in control. The sad truth is, I am here and this is happening or has happened. What do I do? I roll over and go back to sleep. I don't really get up unless I have to, things like paying bills and such. I haven't really been eating too much this past week because I've had this dreadful cold. It started just before my last infusion (on Dec 22nd) and I dared not to tell the nurse. After having two infusions stopped for stupid reasons, I decided to lie and say it was allergies and the reason my temp was so high (100) was because of the sweater I was wearing and the fact that I'd just walked briskly from the front of the hospital all the way back to the short stay unit (this was true and usually I would have used a wheelchair escort)
So, I got the infusion and all was good. The nurse had to try several times at getting the right vein for the infusion, then the next day I'd noticed this huge black bruise. The bruise was about 3 1/2" X 1 1/4". Whatevs. The cold was in full swing by the time I'd noticed this bruise, dealing with where the Theraflu was seemed more important to me anyway. The bruise is barely noticeable now but the cold just lingers.

So, in other news, around this time (Dec 22nd) my grandmother was admitted into the hospital with pneumonia, I think. A few days later she swore off smoking finally, she smoked all her life. So at 85 I am impressed. I'd spoken with her briefly, it ended quickly because my uncle had just made her dinner. Little did I know this was our last interaction. On New Years Eve, I got a call from my dad early in the morning. "Granny B. has passed"

The news was more monumental to me because it meant that was closure for her but now my mom, her daughter, are going to be buried together. Grandma cradling the ashes of my mom. So sad, so depressing and sort of closure for me. I am lucky to have spoken with my Aunt Joannie before the funeral and my cousin Caroline after. It seems to me that they are taking it as well as can be expected. I am hoping to get over to the cemetery in the near future. It's also my mom's grave. I did see her ashes in Texas but now, this is her resting place.

I imagine when I die, my body will be cremated too. As for my ashes?? Maybe in Garden Grove, It's so petty there. Maybe back to Ewa Beach, where this all started. Or I could go to Homer, with my father's side. You ask, does it really matter? well maybe not but wouldn't that be a kicker if it does and you're back from the dead and no friends or family around. Let's get an ambient music lovers group plot, I bet we could enjoy beautiful music together.

.....moving on with life, as it does whether I want it to or not and in this case not, I am focused on the new year. I am wishing for everyone who has a new year's resolution, be realistic and to make it a change for the better. Mine is, no resolution as per usual. I have no idea what this year holds for me and I am not about to make promises I don't know I can keep.

I'd like to say workout more but I don't know what my body can handle. I'd like to say be more active socially but again, sometimes my health does not permit. And the beat goes on.....

thank you for reading