My days are pretty much the same, as far as what I do. Putting the title on this it will pretty much apply to any day unless I post something different.
Today I woke up when I heard my husbands alarm go off. It usually scares me for some reason. And not just startled but I feel my heart pound and for a moment I'm terrorized as if I was about to die. Never mind the time that I was sound asleep and he started to wake me up by gently rubbing my leg while he stood next to the bed. Oh my gosh I was so scared and I even screamed and the worst part is that I for a moment had no idea where I was and who he was. I don't know what that's all about. But that wasn't today.
After his alarm woke me up, I clutched my chest thinking I was having a heart attack.
I finally calmed down and was angry at myself for this reaction. I wonder when this will stop, I wonder also if this is somehow related to my medications and if so which one.
After climbing out of bed, and it is a climb since the bed is higher than your basic bed. (it comes up to about 3') I then headed off to make my breakfast which is always a challenge for me. I made my oatmeal because it's easy to microwave it. 2min and 22seconds, that's easy for me to hit 2-2-2 start. That's pretty much what I have everyday but today I 'spiced it up' I also had an English muffin. I don't eat much these days because it's so hard for me to make anything. This took me about 30min to prepare believe it or not. I guess this can explain why I've dropped down to about 115 when I used to weigh 150. Yeah I was on the thick side but I also worked out a lot (daily) and I Rollerbladed or biked. I really miss working out, my quality of life has diminished;My muscles atrophied as a result but I still have the nice definition still visible.
I try to at least lift my 10lb free weight which I do with ease. It's the squats while holding the weight that is tough. I am determined to start working out again and I know one day it will happen. Plus working out does help keep me happy and this has been proven scientifically.
I've also been stuck in my industrial music bubble for the last week and have truthfully been trapped in since high school I've only added music but I always go back to my love. Even Cocteau Twins who I've also loved since high school too doesn't give me that same energy that listening to Front Line Assembly gives me, I guess it's true that I'm a rivet head at heart.
After my start to the day I pretty much watch the news, the Bonnie Hunt Show and Deal or No Deal. I'll have lunch, today I had a hamburger, broccoli, home made pasta salad and some fruit. All of this is prepared in the beginning of the week and I just take it out and nuke it. Yay Hubby.
(no dinner)
That's about it. Then I go on the internet. So, my day will be the same tomorrow, I may even live it up and have that English muffin again.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
'Til Tuesday on Friday good thing it's Monday
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5XJMoVzPD4
I've had one heck of a month so far. As I've said before I hate summer. (when I dislike something I don't capitalize it, there's a little glimpse into my psyche)
I had an appointment for SoluMedrol, which is an IV steroid to help stop an MS flare up. To refresh the story, I had collapsed on a very hot day a few weeks ago. My fall wasn't just a faint feeling but a total weakness on the left side of my body.
I was very upset about this for so many reasons but mostly because I'm honestly worried about just how quickly things have progressed with me and knowing that my treatments so far have not been successful in slowing my disease.
I was scheduled for a SoluMedrol treatment at the infusion center which is also on the ground floor of the hospital. I have gotten to know the staff there and they know me and even commented on how I'm now part of the family. In this area called the Short Stay you can also find people with other medical needs such as Chemotherapy and the like. I've even made some friends in there to which I say 'see you next month' when I leave. So, yes we are quite like family.
I headed in for my treatment the 5th of July. The reason I remember is because I had this ordered before that and yet I have to have three consecutive days of the SoluMedrol and Short Stay was taking the long weekend off. Also I leave my IV in so when I go in on the other days it saves me from getting a new needle each time.
Of course Monday the 5th was still considered a holiday by most around here and I had the Short Stay practically to myself. The nurses who were administering this treatment asked for a test to make sure I was okay for the drug. As it turns out I wasn't. Nothing major just a UTI. I was on antibiotics for only three days so I guess it's a strong one.
They scheduled me right back just after day three, which is also sort of odd. I did the first course and it was fine. I have been told how I take the IV "like a champ" because I absorb it as if it were water. A lot of people will have an increase in their systolic/diastolic rates but I just keep beating along at my even and low rate of 114/70. I'm just a relaxed person I guess.
I was fine and went home, things were good. Then I started to notice some pain at the IV site and figured the nurse can check it out tomorrow. As the night progressed so did my headache which I'd assumed was just a caffeine withdrawal headache.
I finally went to bed but I woke up at around 0400hrs with this pounding headache and I could tell I was running a fever. I was falling in and out of sleep until it was time for me to go back to the Short Stay clinic.
I told the nurse who was about to start my IV that I think I have a fever and maybe we shouldn't do this just yet. So she took my vitals and yes my temp was at 99.5. Along with my low blood pressure I also have a low temperature normally so when she called that out I was shocked.
I waited at Short Stay until my Doc could be reached and the clinic would follow his advice for my treatment. I waited in my comfy chair while I did puzzles and read up on the Sandy vs Jesse drama. I then could hear this sound which I at first was a little kid.
(in a slow and child like tone) "mmmm mmmmm....mmmmm"
Unfortunately I was the only one in the room and then I heard a high pitched shrill and I realized that it was not a kid.
She started yelling "I want my aunt pleeeeaaaase!" I could not make out the other more calm parts of the conversation. I could tell they were calming her down though, and I heard her yell and ask for her aunt again. I heard a man yell as if he'd just entered their room "What IS Going on in here!"
There was more muffled talking and I heard a man sternly and calmly telling her something. My guess was he was telling her to calm down, where she is and so forth.
My eyes were looking up at the air vent where the sound was coming from when a nurse came in and asked what I was looking at. I paused and decided to share this with her. This turned out to be the wrong choice.
She asked what are they saying to you. That's when I knew she thought that I was crazy.
So this went on and I was even given a bell to ring if I heard the voices again.
There is a difference between overhearing a conversation and "Hearing Voices". And I didn't go to nursing school to learn that one.
I was treated differently by the nurses, I bet I was the highlight of the day for them. I had to give two blood samples before I was allowed to leave. As I left though one of the nurses had to share with me her bad reaction to a drug and she thought that everyone was after her or conspiring against her. In my cruel cynical way I asked "was that drug Cannibus? cuzz I know it makes some people paranoid."
We'll see what happens during my next Short Stay adventure.
Freaked out by this I've shared all of my feelings about this with whoever wants to listen. So thank you, for indulging my self therapy through this blog.
Thoughts,Comments or Loose Change is always welcome.
I've had one heck of a month so far. As I've said before I hate summer. (when I dislike something I don't capitalize it, there's a little glimpse into my psyche)
I had an appointment for SoluMedrol, which is an IV steroid to help stop an MS flare up. To refresh the story, I had collapsed on a very hot day a few weeks ago. My fall wasn't just a faint feeling but a total weakness on the left side of my body.
I was very upset about this for so many reasons but mostly because I'm honestly worried about just how quickly things have progressed with me and knowing that my treatments so far have not been successful in slowing my disease.
I was scheduled for a SoluMedrol treatment at the infusion center which is also on the ground floor of the hospital. I have gotten to know the staff there and they know me and even commented on how I'm now part of the family. In this area called the Short Stay you can also find people with other medical needs such as Chemotherapy and the like. I've even made some friends in there to which I say 'see you next month' when I leave. So, yes we are quite like family.
I headed in for my treatment the 5th of July. The reason I remember is because I had this ordered before that and yet I have to have three consecutive days of the SoluMedrol and Short Stay was taking the long weekend off. Also I leave my IV in so when I go in on the other days it saves me from getting a new needle each time.
Of course Monday the 5th was still considered a holiday by most around here and I had the Short Stay practically to myself. The nurses who were administering this treatment asked for a test to make sure I was okay for the drug. As it turns out I wasn't. Nothing major just a UTI. I was on antibiotics for only three days so I guess it's a strong one.
They scheduled me right back just after day three, which is also sort of odd. I did the first course and it was fine. I have been told how I take the IV "like a champ" because I absorb it as if it were water. A lot of people will have an increase in their systolic/diastolic rates but I just keep beating along at my even and low rate of 114/70. I'm just a relaxed person I guess.
I was fine and went home, things were good. Then I started to notice some pain at the IV site and figured the nurse can check it out tomorrow. As the night progressed so did my headache which I'd assumed was just a caffeine withdrawal headache.
I finally went to bed but I woke up at around 0400hrs with this pounding headache and I could tell I was running a fever. I was falling in and out of sleep until it was time for me to go back to the Short Stay clinic.
I told the nurse who was about to start my IV that I think I have a fever and maybe we shouldn't do this just yet. So she took my vitals and yes my temp was at 99.5. Along with my low blood pressure I also have a low temperature normally so when she called that out I was shocked.
I waited at Short Stay until my Doc could be reached and the clinic would follow his advice for my treatment. I waited in my comfy chair while I did puzzles and read up on the Sandy vs Jesse drama. I then could hear this sound which I at first was a little kid.
(in a slow and child like tone) "mmmm mmmmm....mmmmm"
Unfortunately I was the only one in the room and then I heard a high pitched shrill and I realized that it was not a kid.
She started yelling "I want my aunt pleeeeaaaase!" I could not make out the other more calm parts of the conversation. I could tell they were calming her down though, and I heard her yell and ask for her aunt again. I heard a man yell as if he'd just entered their room "What IS Going on in here!"
There was more muffled talking and I heard a man sternly and calmly telling her something. My guess was he was telling her to calm down, where she is and so forth.
My eyes were looking up at the air vent where the sound was coming from when a nurse came in and asked what I was looking at. I paused and decided to share this with her. This turned out to be the wrong choice.
She asked what are they saying to you. That's when I knew she thought that I was crazy.
So this went on and I was even given a bell to ring if I heard the voices again.
There is a difference between overhearing a conversation and "Hearing Voices". And I didn't go to nursing school to learn that one.
I was treated differently by the nurses, I bet I was the highlight of the day for them. I had to give two blood samples before I was allowed to leave. As I left though one of the nurses had to share with me her bad reaction to a drug and she thought that everyone was after her or conspiring against her. In my cruel cynical way I asked "was that drug Cannibus? cuzz I know it makes some people paranoid."
We'll see what happens during my next Short Stay adventure.
Freaked out by this I've shared all of my feelings about this with whoever wants to listen. So thank you, for indulging my self therapy through this blog.
Thoughts,Comments or Loose Change is always welcome.
Friday, July 2, 2010
contemplating the efficacy of .., uncertainty?
I'm working through what is seemingly a lot more stress than I should be dealing with. I have so many issues on my plate, in fact more than I dealt with when I was a Bartender. That was a fun job, I love bartending and I miss it terribly. The beauty of bartending was once the last drinks were poured you could see an end to the shift.
With this I see no end. I have bills that come in the mail and they never stop. Being unemployed is nice having no manager critiquing me but now I have the pile of medical bills that even if I was working are astronomical.
Asking for assistance from the hospital seems like it was easy, still uncertain if they will help me though. Asking for assistance from the electric company also seemed like they were laughing at that request, they still helped, sort of. Asking for help from my medical insurance took more energy than applying for disability with the Social Security Administration, which was tough. I was approved on the first try though. I am still not sure if that's good or bad. Good that they agree that I'm disabled but it's bad because it's not like having a cold because it means they realize that I won't be getting better.
So it's all of this worry, this uncertainty of where the money for the mounting bills is going to simply materialize from. I'm not certain of the treatment that I'm on, if it's working or not. I'm counting the days that I have been able to get around on my own.(it's a continually shrinking number and less than I like to admit)
all of the issues keep building and most have no resolution and I want to know who's idea it was to make patients such as myself,try to be responsible for all of these things. All the planning, keeping track of bills, filling out forms, making and keeping appointments keeping track of all of these things and also the normal stuff too. Laundry, cooking, eating, bathing and also keeping up with friends and family.
It's too much. I get worn out just with the most basic things like brushing my teeth.
I've even come to a point where I don't eat because if I don't eat then I don't have to floss and maybe brush if I think I should. I don't get up because if I get up that means that I will have to eat, so I just stay asleep. If I don't go to the doctor, then I won't get a bill. If I don't get dressed in fresh clothes, then I don't have to wash the ones I already have on. If I don't do this then I won't have to do that and so forth....
This is my life these days.
Is this mentality healthy? No, I don't think it is. I think it's perpetuated by the whole system and there is no end to the shift. It's not like bartending.
With this I see no end. I have bills that come in the mail and they never stop. Being unemployed is nice having no manager critiquing me but now I have the pile of medical bills that even if I was working are astronomical.
Asking for assistance from the hospital seems like it was easy, still uncertain if they will help me though. Asking for assistance from the electric company also seemed like they were laughing at that request, they still helped, sort of. Asking for help from my medical insurance took more energy than applying for disability with the Social Security Administration, which was tough. I was approved on the first try though. I am still not sure if that's good or bad. Good that they agree that I'm disabled but it's bad because it's not like having a cold because it means they realize that I won't be getting better.
So it's all of this worry, this uncertainty of where the money for the mounting bills is going to simply materialize from. I'm not certain of the treatment that I'm on, if it's working or not. I'm counting the days that I have been able to get around on my own.(it's a continually shrinking number and less than I like to admit)
all of the issues keep building and most have no resolution and I want to know who's idea it was to make patients such as myself,try to be responsible for all of these things. All the planning, keeping track of bills, filling out forms, making and keeping appointments keeping track of all of these things and also the normal stuff too. Laundry, cooking, eating, bathing and also keeping up with friends and family.
It's too much. I get worn out just with the most basic things like brushing my teeth.
I've even come to a point where I don't eat because if I don't eat then I don't have to floss and maybe brush if I think I should. I don't get up because if I get up that means that I will have to eat, so I just stay asleep. If I don't go to the doctor, then I won't get a bill. If I don't get dressed in fresh clothes, then I don't have to wash the ones I already have on. If I don't do this then I won't have to do that and so forth....
This is my life these days.
Is this mentality healthy? No, I don't think it is. I think it's perpetuated by the whole system and there is no end to the shift. It's not like bartending.
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