My Sorrow

I am overcome with sorrow. Not depression but I am in Mourning.
Mourning for friends and family lost. I grieve also for my own shortfalls.
Not the physical or even mental but spiritual shortcomings.
I am deeply spiritual, that is something I have always shared with people.
I do not show it outwardly as those in the "bible belt" do but it is just as strong
if not stronger than some of them.
I have realized that being in the throes of work immersed in the daily chaos of life, has all to blame for my lack of spiritual projection. I cannot continue with work at this stage of my condition (MS) and I am thankful to God for that. He has removed me from a life of stress and adversaries that I do not have a place for in my life, not now, not ever.
Take it to heart that if people do not hear from me, it's because the didn't listen to me.

-n

you are loved

I just woke up and got going today around noon.I fixed myself a bowl of oatmeal with protein powder, I started a pot of coffee and settled myself on the couch. I then started up my laptop with the intention of finding out what happened to my BF Christiane. where are u Hun?

Instead, I saw a friend confirmation on face book from a Cocteau Friend. I followed it to comment on her page to find that a dear mutual friend has passed. RIP Leesa.She found she had breast cancer which then moved into her brain. I am fortunate to have called her Friend and know she is finally through fighting. You are in my heart Leesa

It seems that each year that passes I have had some monumental tragedy.this is not as horrific as my mother telling me she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in Aug. 2008 then passing in May of 2009. I'm not even passed the mourning of that when now I am faced with the death of a friend. This no doubt adds to my fatigue, since early 2008 my ms has gotten worse and worse. I find the simplest of tasks like getting dressed is difficult. Usually I don't unless I have to venture off to the doctor's.
Sadness does effect my MS in ways that most don't realize.
So, while I might seem like I'm upbeat, I am truly sad with my plight.
I thank our father in heaven for having chosen me as one he trusts can deal with this in the right way. My lesson is that I will be tested by him just as Job was tested and I am thankful for that. I am not sad for myself but for the others affected by these circumstances and I pray that they will find comfort in the Lord, our refuge.

please...ignore me

please just ignore me and the details of my daily life. No, it's not nice to have people "help" when I don't ask for it. I want you to leave me alone never mind what I am doing but mind your own frailties before you decide you "need to help" me unsolicited.

Doing this is like taking what excrement you've produced and asking me to bronze it for you.

I find it hilarious when all of the sudden perfect strangers or even people who know my name or even know me down to my physical details such as the color of my eyes. Do you know what's in my mind? Do you know where I've been? Do you carry such wisdom to know even my dreams while I am sleeping? No, you don't have an inkling of me.

Mind yourself and give me only what I ask of you and for now, I ask for you to ignore my hindered gait, my incomprehensible speech and also my lack of interest in you. When I am ready I will ask for help from you and know that if I am not asking anything from you that I don't need or want your assistance.
-n

a revelation...

As per my previous entry, I do feel the need to cut my hair because it simply gets in my way. Yes, it will be sad but it grows.
Unless you are constantly getting chemotherapy.
I am thankful that I am not going through anything like that treatment wise.
I have heard that with certain dramatic cases of MS, there is Chemo used.
Well I'm not there, yet. There is someone in my life right now who is.
I've let her know that if she wants my hair she will have dibs.
It will make her feel better, I will also feel better and on top of that it is an enormous feel good.
That's where I'm at right now.

On the religous side, I have thought about the season of lent and remember that as a girl growing up Catholic, my mother would force us to pick something we liked and give it up.
I now as an adult realize how wrong that is. God doesn't want us to suffer and he gave us free will. I think that going without happiness as a child is a form of childabuse when the child has no say in the matter.

God wants an offering/sacrafice that is sweet to him. Giving up something that does you no good in his eyes is like casting off unwanted possesions and calling it a good donation. Ha, I've gone to thrift stores and noone gives away a brandnew blueray player. Call it what it is, sloughing off undesireables. So I have been really praying about this and what is it that I can sacrafice during lent and I have come up with being proud. I will give that up but also on the other side of that my offering to him is that I will mourn for my own sins.

I have thought about what that means to me and I will explore them and realize my burdens and ask for forgiveness and in doing so I have truly began to feel sad and shameful for the things I have done. I was once proud of those things and carried them like a badge. Although, these are the things that led me here I hve no use for those things.

shave and a haircut.....

I am pondering the idea of shaving my head completely. I don't want to come off like the crazy britney and I don't want to look like susan powder but I once had short hair and it looked good on me.
A complete shaved look I've heard shows intrigue with the aire of confidence.
I suppose I'm not intriguing nor am I confident across the board so I'm not sure I have the personality to carry it off but if I do I will definately miss these lovely locks.