02.04.10

Tomrrow is my much anticipated Neurologist appointment. I know what he will say though. New leisons and my MS is progressing the issue that a lot of friends and family have are sentiments of anger. Well to those concerned for my well being I have this to say, your voiced concerns have stressed me out, I understand what is going on and I accept it. Support me in my decisions and just be there for mIe. I want everyone to give me space and trust me and please trust me that I know I have doctors and professionals who I trust.

This said, I am doing well, considering. I am in a downturn health wise because I am off of my Avonex. It was helping me as was the copaxone at one time. RN I am sort of in limbo as far as life goes. I sleep then maybe wake up for water then sleep more and I may force mself up to take meds and eat then I sleep a little more. I am all out of whack with my zircaidian rhythm and that has been an issue all of m life just ask my sister Jenny. I have alwas been a night owl watching the sunrise was always my cue to go to bed. I guess that's part of why I slipped easily into the goth life. Oh how I miss those days. There is NO goth scene here at all. Maybe you'll see some highschoolers dressed as they might be, these days though that image is reserved for the rock scene. I don't get it. If you ask them about some gostaples such as Bauhaus or Dead Can Dance they will look at you like you were vomiting battery acid on them. (LOL at my own imagery)

Suffice it to say I am getting older and the good ole days are seemingly behind me. I still adore the scene, the music and the commroderay among friends in that , what I refer to as , elite group. I think most of all I miss the history and the building of the concise group with others like me who undestand me just as I understand them. Starting over is the story of my life, as my sister and I grew up constantly being uprooted and navigating the new surroundings trying to find our foothtold. It is hard to be the outsider. Although I have lived here since 2005 I still don't feel as though I'm rooted deeply here as I was in Florida. The answer I am able to come up with is because of friends and family. Whether it was by choice, on my part, I regret ignoring my sister for over ten years. Or whether the separation was because of career moves, when my parents relocated to Aliso Viejo, CA. Or even worse when my DH and I were kicked out, in spite of having no money or sustainable incomes because of.....family jealousy. On that note, we had other options but I was begged by my mother to come out there she then later kicked us out. Uuuuuggghhh, life's not fair. I have become stronger for all of the emotional blows, I survived through more than most can handle in their lifetime and all this before I'm 35. I guess why I'll ask for my personal space and trust that I know what I'm doing.